Crafting a life you love is the ultimate creative adventure. The journey to your dream life may not be the smoothest path. No, the road to your dreams is likely paved with difficult terrain, filled with potholes and blind curves. However, somewhere along the way, you should find fulfillment, happiness, and that elusive emotion—joy. Your dream life is closer than you think, so pack your courage, strap on some confidence, leave fear behind, and head into the wild unknown.

Step 1: Take 100% Responsibility for Your Life

The ability to envision a life that is fulfilling, rewarding, and authentically yours begins with taking a hard, honest look at where you are. You need a realistic accounting of your current reality. Once you have a clear picture of where you are and where you want to go, you can create a plan to bridge the gap.

Examine your life closely. Look past the excuses, compromises, regrets, and insecurities to find your personal truth. Are you fulfilled? Are you and those around you happy? Do you feel balanced? Is your life surrounded by beauty and comfort? Are you getting what you want? And, most importantly, are you fulfilling your life’s purpose?

If the answer is no, then give yourself credit. Recognizing that your life isn’t what you want is courageous. Most people fill their lives with distractions to avoid this realization, especially women. Our lives are overloaded with responsibilities and compromises, and our own needs often fall to the bottom of the list. It’s instinctive for women to care for others first. But there’s a reason airlines instruct mothers to secure their own oxygen masks before assisting their children: a suffocating mother can’t help anyone. Making yourself happy has a ripple effect that brings more joy to those around you.

If you realize you’re not where you want to be, the first step toward your best life is taking 100% responsibility for every aspect of your current situation—your level of achievement, the quality of your work, relationships, income, debts, everything. This is easier said than done, but it’s a necessary step. After all, everyone’s life is the result of compromises and sacrifices.

From a young age, we are conditioned to suppress our dreams—dreams of being fairy princesses or astronauts—in favor of practical goals that pay the bills and lead to “real” jobs. I remember telling my mother as a child that I wanted a job I loved. She told me that all jobs, no matter how exciting at first, eventually become just a job. She advised me to find one that paid well, so I could do fun things outside of work, where my “real life” would happen.

Thankfully, I saw the flaw in that reasoning. Even at seven years old, her career advice didn’t sit well with me. It seemed odd to spend most of your waking hours doing something you didn’t enjoy, just to go on a vacation once a year and search for happiness alongside thousands of others doing the same.

At some point, we all feel trapped by others’ expectations. But the truth is, we either create or allow everything that happens to us. Don’t live someone else’s dream. Don’t settle for less than what you want.

In our overscheduled world, we often lose sight of ourselves. Between jobs, partners, children, parents, homes, exercise, bills, diets, friends, social media, volunteering, and shopping, there’s little time for self-reflection. Days, months, even years can pass before something, often catastrophic, forces us to wake up. Have you ever been driving and suddenly realized your mind was elsewhere? Life can be like that—living on autopilot. No more autopilot, no more excuses.

It’s time to take control and set a course. The perfect time to start is now. Don’t let age, obligations, or responsibilities deter your resolve. No matter where you are or how you got there, it’s time to move forward.

“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark.” —Michelangelo

Step 2: Dream Big

You get what you expect, over and over. Research consistently shows that the placebo effect not only exists but significantly impacts health and well-being. Most people who fail don’t lack skills or aptitude; they fail because they don’t believe they can achieve their goals. You must choose to believe in yourself—this is often a skill you learn on your own.

While most parents love and support their children, they frequently pass down limiting beliefs and conditioning they learned from their own parents. This cautious conditioning is intended to protect children from disappointment. Parents guide their children toward paths they believe are safe and prosperous.

When my 8-year-old son says he wants to be a professional baseball player, I cringe a little inside. He’s a good player, but he doesn’t practice for hours at home or play constantly. Achieving professional-level success requires immense talent and dedication—around 10,000 hours of practice, as Malcolm Gladwell describes in Outliers.

My son doesn’t show that kind of dedication yet, so until I see undeniable potential, I suggest other options. He’s good at math and artistic, so I recommend engineering or architecture. Only time will tell where he ends up, but until then, I guide him toward what I think he’ll enjoy and can achieve, inadvertently passing on the limiting beliefs my parents instilled in me.

The topic of parental expectations for women could fill entire libraries. It’s staggering to realize how new the concept of women shaping their own lives is. Less than 100 years ago, women couldn’t vote in the U.S. In some places, such as Saudi Arabia, women were only recently allowed to drive.

We live in transformative times. Women have more opportunities now than ever before. Regardless of your age or where you are, you can become the woman you dream of being.

High achievers aren’t usually the most talented or gifted. They simply believe in their goals more than others and work the hardest to achieve them. Modern brain research shows that with positive visualization, self-talk, training, coaching, and practice, almost anything is possible. The only thing stopping you is you. So give yourself permission to dream big—you deserve it!

Step 3: Write It Down

This is a time when being self-centered is necessary. To define your personal dreams, you need to set aside society’s ideals and external standards. Take some time for yourself with no distractions, and start a journal or notebook titled “My Dreams.”

The goal of this exercise is to identify what you’re passionate about. What words come to mind when you think of these things?

Next, write about the places you’ve been that you enjoyed. How did these places make you feel, and why?

Think back to days when you felt your best. What words would you use to describe yourself on those days?

Imagine winning the Powerball jackpot. What would you do, where would you go, and who would you help? Picture the amazing things you’d do if money were no object. Let that fantasy play out as you fall asleep. The next morning, think about what you’d do next. After the initial fantasies, what would your life look like? Where would you live? Who would be in your life? Would you work, volunteer, create art or music? This exercise helps you break past boundaries to discover what you truly value, allowing you to craft a fulfilling life without needing millions.

Create a list of your strengths and weaknesses—not just skills but also your physical, emotional, and psychological traits. Ask those closest to you for their perception of your strengths and weaknesses. Keep in mind that friends and colleagues may provide more accurate insights than family, who may have long-held impressions based on past versions of you.

Finally, review the information you’ve gathered. Look for common themes and pay attention to what excites or calms you. Let your intuition guide you as you discover the core of what makes you truly happy.

Step 4: Reality Check

Now that you have a clear picture of what makes you happy, it’s time for a reality check. Contrary to some self-help advice, it’s important to be realistic. While I’m a fan of positive affirmations and inspirational philosophies, I also live in the real world. Achieving your dreams may come with limitations.

For example, a 55-year-old woman will not fulfill her childhood dream of becoming a prima ballerina for the New York City Ballet. Let’s call this fictional ballerina Susan. She can still pursue her dream but in a different way. By analyzing her youthful fantasy, she can uncover what she truly desires.

Maybe Susan loved the freedom of dancing, the joy of performing, and the feeling of accomplishment. While her days as a prima ballerina are past, she can join a ballroom dance class or take adult ballet classes. She might even compete in ballroom dance competitions or practice ballet to improve her fitness and health. This way, she fulfills her dreams in a new form, revitalizing her life.

Living your dream life doesn’t mean tearing down everything you’ve built. Sometimes, your dream life is just around the corner. For Susan, the Arthur Murray Dance Studio might be a perfect start, not the New York stage.

Realistic goals should not be confused with settling. People often dilute their dreams until they barely resemble the original vision, leaving them unfulfilled and moving on to the next tepid pursuit.

Media bombard us with idealized images of achievement, but few people are truly happy. The symptoms of this societal problem are evident in addiction, obesity, violence, and depression.

Setting realistic goals helps you discover the truth beneath your fantasies. Understand the core feelings that drive your desires and build a path that fulfills those needs, rather than pursuing an empty fantasy. A life built on truth is the ultimate goal.

Perhaps you want to become a classical pianist. Does that mean you only want to play classical music? Would you be content with playing an upright piano instead of a grand one? Do you want to perform professionally, or is playing part-time on weekends enough? Would you prefer to perform or teach? Joining a band or playing solo are both options to explore. One idea is to start performing at weddings and parties in your area.

Maybe you dream of having a family but haven’t found the “right” partner. Do you need a spouse to raise a child? Would you be willing to adopt an older child instead of raising one from infancy? Many children in the world desperately need loving homes.

Whatever your dream life looks like, it will be uniquely yours. Once you have a vision, don’t let it slip away. Write it down in detail. Picture yourself living it. Share it with friends and family. Own it, believe in it, and you will make it happen.

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” —Mark Twain

Step 5: Get Going

Now that you have identified your true needs, convert them into specific, measurable goals and objectives. Take action to turn those dreams into reality by breaking down your goals into weekly, monthly, and quarterly steps. Set at least one breakthrough goal that will propel your plans forward in a significant way.

Write your goals down and look at them three times a day. Creating a vision board can be an effective way to visualize the life you want. Some people find it helpful to carry their goals with them in their wallets or on their phones. Jim Carrey, for example, once wrote himself a $10 million check for “acting services rendered,” post-dated it for 10 years, and kept it in his wallet. By the time those 10 years passed, he was earning over $10 million per movie.

Remember that failure only comes from standing still. Walk through open doors when opportunity presents itself. Don’t be afraid of failure; it’s just a learning experience. The only regrets people often have on their deathbeds are the chances they didn’t take.

Step 6: Stay Positive & Confident

Once you have a clear vision of the life you want, don’t let others dampen your dreams. Beware of negative attitudes from those around you. Sometimes, you must follow a dream that no one else can see. Don’t get stuck looking back with negativity—always move forward.

Instead of believing the world is conspiring against you, shift your perspective and trust that the universe is working to bring you the right people and experiences at the right time. When things go wrong or people disappoint you, look for the positive and absorb the lesson. All situations, no matter how difficult they seem on the surface, carry seeds of goodness.

A crisis is often the catalyst that opens people to new possibilities. The Chinese character for “crisis” is composed of two characters meaning “danger” and “opportunity.” The ancient Greeks understood this concept, too; the root of the word “crisis” is “krinein,” meaning “turning point.”

Change is one of the few constants in life. Learning to adapt when one door closes is crucial for happiness. Rather than dwelling on lost opportunities, firmly close the door behind you and focus on what lies ahead. Your next act awaits.

Confidence is an essential part of positivity. Someone once asked me where my confidence came from. I wasn’t sure how to respond because I didn’t get it from my parents. Although they were successful and set a good example, they didn’t shower me with praise. I was expected to do well, but there were no rewards for good grades or trophies for trying. My parents were respected and expected the same from me. Perhaps my overachieving nature is my way of seeking recognition.

Despite this, I am confident. And when I’m not sure I can do something, I convince myself that I can. I tell myself: if I don’t believe in my abilities, how will anyone else? Confidence is not something others can give you—it’s a gift you give yourself.

I firmly believe in “Fake it ’til you make it.” Dressing for the job you want, not the one you have, has truth to it. We all have moments of doubt and hope that no one realizes we don’t always know what we’re doing. Confidence isn’t about being the best; it’s about doing the best with what you have.

True confidence isn’t arrogance. No matter how talented or successful you are, someone can always do it better. That reality keeps you humble.

“You have to believe in yourself when no one else does—that’s what makes you a winner right there.” —Venus Williams

Step 7: Avoid Comparisons

Embrace your uniqueness. You are one of a kind, so don’t waste time comparing your success to others or trying to fit a societal checklist designed for an average life. Many people spend years trying to fit in, only to discover that once they do, they want nothing more than to break free.

The fashion and beauty industry spends billions manipulating our perceptions of beauty. Airbrushed models set unattainable standards, luring people into buying products to keep up with a fantasy. Enough is enough.

Success means different things to different people. Happiness is not one-size-fits-all. Don’t waste your life comparing yourself to others. Be bold, be YOU!

Step 8: Seize Today

It’s never too late to pursue your dreams. You can live your best life regardless of your current path, age, or financial situation. You might need to make course corrections, and your dream life may look different from what you initially imagined, but that’s part of the excitement.

Most people focus on the word “happiness” in the phrase “pursuit of happiness,” as if it’s a destination. But happiness is a moving target. What made me happy at 25 is different at 45 and will likely change at 65.

Appreciate the blessings of the moment, but also expand your horizons. Keep learning, trying new things, and daring to dream. After all, isn’t the meaning of life something we define over time? Even Siri doesn’t know the answer.

When I asked, “Siri, what is the meaning of life?” my iPhone responded, “I can’t answer that now, but give me some time to write a very long play in which nothing happens.”

Prove the clever folks at Apple wrong—make something GREAT happen.

Originally printed in the Winter 2015 issue of GRAVITAS Magazine

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The opportunity to write history remains one of the greatest spoils of victory, which explains why women’s contributions to humanity have been relegated to the shadows. Historically, significant females are seemingly few and far between. Aside from Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Queens Elizabeth and Victoria, women leaders were anomalies—or so we were told.

In school we learned that men built and ruled the world, and that’s the way it always was. Of course, it is no coincidence that for decades, textbooks in the United States were written by a small group of white men from the Texas Board of Education. Times have changed, however. Now that scientific and archeological fields include respected women in their ranks, new revelations about the history of “mankind” show that women were much more than chattel and mere vessels of reproduction.

Women’s hands have shaped civilization as far back as six million years ago, when the earliest humans began to walk upright. Some scientists now believe it was women who first stood up, so they could more easily carry food and their children. Worldwide legends cite women as the first domesticators of fire, just as women buried seeds in the ground, becoming the original botanists. From their plants and herbs, these women created healing treatments and pioneered in medicine. Needing something to hold their plentiful bounty, it is thought that women crafted pottery for this purpose, in addition to creating textiles and the earliest tools for digging. Even the invention of writing and the original alphabet have feminine roots, notes Merlin Stone in his book, When God Was a Woman.

Cultures that appear to have been matriarchal, wherein lineage is traced by the mother’s heritage, were some of the most advanced societies of the ancient world, known as superior examples of peace, prosperity, equality and creativity. It wasn’t until around 3,000 B.C.—when men began to use metals to create weaponry, thereby birthing an age of war and dominance— that history took a fateful turn for women.

Venus of Willendorf, created around 30,000 B.C.

Ancient Matriarchal Societies

It is no coincidence that the first found figurative object, created around 30,000 B.C., is a depiction of a female form. While some scholars debate the specific meaning of numerous ancient feminine artifacts, archeologists generally confirm they represent a celebration of femininity: specifically, menstruation, pregnancy and childbirth as well as the seasonal migration of animals and the cycles of time on Mother Earth. These cycles of life defined the first 100,000 years of Homo sapiens’ existence. The Gate of Horn by Gertrude Rachel Levy, a pivotal book on Stone Age religion, affirms that the first “God” was in fact a Goddess. From the Upper Paleolithic to the Middle Neolithic— around 30,000 years— the only image of a God-like deity found painted on rock, carved in stone, or sculpted in clay, is depicted as a female.

Not only was the feminine revered spiritually, but many scholars also now believe early human culture was guided and sustained by an inner circle of women where human society evolved. And yet, these ancient civilizations with women inventors, producers, scientists, physicians, lawgivers, visionary shamans and artists have been hidden and ignored by Western male historians who believe that relevant history began only about 5,000 years ago with the dawn of patriarchy.

A pervasive misconception of matriarchal societies implies that in cultures where women had positions of influence and power, females dominated men. Yet material evidence shows these advanced matriarchal societies to be egalitarian in nature, with a balance or partnership between the sexes rather than a dominance of female over male. Archeological sites display no hierarchical structures in housing or burials, supporting the hypothesis that there was no stratification between the sexes. While feminine ideals were worshiped and women attained positions of authority, they were not elevated at the expense of men, totally contradictory to the spirit of patriarchal systems.

Such an incomplete view of humanity has shaped the perception of our ancient history as a violent world of struggle and warrior domination, which is simply not accurate. Archeologists have unearthed sites across Europe, the Middle East and Asia where prosperous partnership societies lived in peace and abundance. The locations for these townships were chosen for their picturesque views and farming advantages rather than any defensive strategy. The evidence for this lies not only in the fact that fortifications are missing, but also in the absence of all references to warfare and weaponry in their art and architecture. Unfortunately, a lack of defensive skills made them easy prey for warring barbarians who eventually decimated their culture.

Southeastern Europe represents perhaps the greatest example of advanced matriarchal ancient civilization in the Neolithic period. Renowned Lithuanian-American archeologist Marija Gimbutas, known for her research into the Neolithic and Bronze Age cultures of “Old Europe” in her book, The Civilization of the Goddess, states: “In the 5th and 4th millennia B.C., Old Europeans had towns with a considerable concentration of population, temples several stories high, a sacred script, spacious houses of four or five rooms, professional ceramicists, weavers, copper and gold metallurgists, and other artisans producing a range of sophisticated goods. A flourishing network of trade routes existed that circulated item such as obsidian, shells, marble, copper, and salt over hundreds of kilometers.”

Within this region in early Crete, women were cultural leaders in all capacities, working as judges, doctors, athletes, artisans, priestesses and entrepreneurs. Cretan infrastructure was surprisingly advanced, with indoor plumbing running hot and cold water through ceramic pipes in homes, a system far more advanced than anything seen in Europe for another 3,500 years, and even today in some Third World countries. As a prominent trading center, fleets of ships traveled from Crete to South Africa, Ireland and the Near East. Their most enduring export was the Cretan linear script, which was passed down to the Greeks, notes Robert Graves in his book, The White Goddess.

According to Gimbutas, the Old European culture was slowly destroyed from about 4,200 B.C. until the end of the third millennium B.C. Only fragments of the culture survived in parts of the Mediterranean world, particularly in Minoan Crete. When the Mycenaean invaded the Minoans around 1,450 B.C., the last remnants of Old Europe vanished, ending the Neolithic age.

Other important matriarchal cultures included the elegant and artistic Etruscans and the early Egyptians, with traces found in the later Egyptian empires as well. In these societies, families lived on land collectively owned by the mothers. A woman’s husband or lover lived with her kin-group while children lived with their mother’s family-group regardless of paternal lineage. Family property, including land and household goods, belonged solely to the women, clearly designated by ancient Egyptian law. They had full authority over their belongings and themselves, regardless of marital status.

The pre-Aryan Toda people of India, who practiced polyandry (the custom of having more than one husband at a time), were also a matrilocal culture whereby the husband lives with the wife’s community. They had an entirely different interpretation of modern-day polygamy: A woman chose a “social father” for her children among her many husbands, regardless of biological paternity. In these arrangements, the “father” did not automatically win the children’s affection and respect, he had to earn it. Even more common, the mother’s brother acted as “father” to her children, giving a whole new meaning to the “fun uncle” concept.

Steve Taylor describes another egalitarian ancient civilization in his book, The Fall: The Insanity of the Ego in Human History and the Dawning of a New Era. Before 4,000 B.C. in “Saharasia” (the Middle East and Central Asia), Taylor suggests the people who inhabited the area were easily supported by the land. As hunter-gatherers and horticultural societies, the people spent only a small portion of their time actually working. They were, by and large, leisurely people who did not brutalize their neighbors, abuse or oppress women and children, or enslave others. When conflicts arose, they were resolved by committee, with both men and women participating in the governance of the tribe or band.

Rise of Man

The escalation of male dominance transformed many societies from peaceful and egalitarian organizations to a hierarchic and violent order ruled by brutality and greed. While there are disagreements among archeologists as to the extent of partnership societies across the globe in ancient times, scholars agree around 4,000 years ago there was a significant move towards cultural stratification. Feminine symbolism and a solid ideological emphasis on settlement and safety was replaced by warlike, individualistic, wild and masculine dogma. The settlements disappeared, gravesites became individualized with artifacts of weaponry, “the Goddess” was eventually eradicated and the status of women radically weakened. This period marks the beginning of history that is taught in high schools around the country, which could more aptly be identified as “his story.”

While some archeologists first theorized that the discovery of metals resulted in a dramatic cultural shift toward war and weaponry, it is now proven that metals were widely used in ancient societies for ornamentation and tools. It was the change in the use of metals as weapons that made such a profound difference. Gimbutas suggests Kurgan invaders from the Ukrainian steppe used their primitive weaponry to conquer and brutalize the peaceful Old European cultures. In addition, the invaders’ domestication of horses precipitated the relatively quick spread of domination and patriarchy across Europe.

A contrasting theory by Taylor suggests that masculine domination was predicated by the rise of socially stratified hierarchical politics within European cultures, institutionalized violence and the individualized ego associated with a period of climatic stress. As the lush grasslands and forests of Saharasia turned into dry, barren desert, harmonious abundance morphed into scarcity and fear, leading the people to spread out across Asia, Europe and North Africa in search of sustenance. The collective nature of the tribe disappeared as individuals struggled to survive, leading to the rise of the ego and warrior invasions. Peace was replaced by endless warring, suppression (especially of women and children) and dogmatic religion.

The Old Europeans were no match for their invaders. The sedentary horticulturalists with unfortified townships were systematically decimated by the Kurgan warriors who lived in small villages or seasonal settlements to graze their animals over vast regions. The Old Europeans, who based their economy on farming, focused on agricultural cycles of birth, death and regeneration embodied by Mother Earth. In contrast, the Kurgan ideology worshiped warrior gods, the thunderous sky and the “lethal power of the sharp blade,” states Riane Eisler in her book, The Chalice and The Blade.

It is suggested that Kurgans massacred most of the local men and children, sparing some of the women to take them as concubines, wives and slaves. Spreading across Europe, each wave of invasion brought physical devastation to the Old European towns, as well as what historians call cultural impoverishment. As new settlements began to appear, they were far less technologically and culturally advanced, with an economy now based primarily on stock breeding.

During this time, at the dawn of the Bronze Age (around 3300 BC), men began to organize systematic control over women’s production and reproduction. Women as a commodity, much like their cattle, became property for men. They began to take over women’s handcrafts such as textiles and pottery, as well as the cultivation of herbs, recognizing the potential to capitalize the mass production of these products.

As their understanding and collection of wealth grew through cattle breeding, men transferred these principles to women—the source of the most valuable commodity of all… humans. They turned the female body into a machine for producing more wealth via children. The number of children women were expected to bear greatly multiplied, notes Eisler. Even primates nurse one baby for three to six years before becoming pregnant again. Women’s bodies simply were not meant to produce baby after baby, year after year; but more children equaled more male workers or females to lucratively trade as wives.

Religion of Gods

While it is an uncomfortable subject for many, the rise of patriarchal dominance is inextricably linked to the expansion of Judeo-Christian and Islamic religions. In order for patriarchal systems to take over, it wasn’t enough to control a woman’s body; it became imperative to take over her spirit as well.

In Greek and Middle Eastern mythology, women were suppressed but retained some level of authority among the gods. Eventually, most of the functions formerly associated with female deities were reassigned to gods. As cultural anthropologist Ruby Rohrlich Leavitt points out, “When the patron of the scribes changed from a goddess to a god, only male scribes were employed in the temples and palaces, and history began to be written from an androcentric perspective”— the practice of placing a masculine point of view at the center of one’s world view, culture and history.

Hebrew tribes accelerated the ideological transformation until the Bible eventually removed all divine power of the Goddess. Eisler writes, “Symbolically the absence of the Goddess from the officially sanctioned Holy Scriptures was the absence of the divine power to protect women and avenge the wrongs inflicted upon them by men.”

On a practical level, the sexual freedom of women was a threat to the social and economic fabric of a strictly controlled, male-dominated society. It was a necessity to enact severe punishment and laws to regulate a woman’s virginity to protect what was essentially economic transactions between men. To secure their investment, divinely mandated power was given to Hebrew fathers to stone to death daughters who were suspected of being non-virgins before marriage. Mothers had no power to stop their daughters from being brutally murdered for the “crime” of having a broken hymen—a condition which doctors confirm happens to about 50% of females by accident.

In Judeo-Christian and Islamic religions, killing in war has been divinely sanctioned, as has plundering, raping and destroying entire cities. At the root of the worst atrocities known to humanity, religion— based on divine doctrines magically communicated as the “Word of God” to male priests—has been supported by armies, courts of law and executioners. Even today, the rise of fundamentalist Islamic religion is a source of terror around the world and continues to enslave women in the most inhumane, brutal manner.

In stark contrast, some modern theologians such as Sister Joan Chittister have a much different interpretation of the Bible, even suggesting Jesus was a feminist. From the official scriptures, it is clear that he rejected the rigid segregation and subordination of women of his time. Sister Joan has spent the better part of her 78 years writing over 50 books shining a spotlight on injustice, particularly the plight of women.

“We are now at the place where men are running everything, which means that humanity is seeing with one eye, hearing with one ear and thinking with one half of the human brain. No wonder we’re doing the things we’re doing! We’re bringing to the table only half the needs of the human race,” she says. “The moment a woman comes home to herself, the moment she knows that she has become a person of influence, an artist of her life, a sculptor of her universe, a person with rights and responsibilities who is respected and recognized, the resurrection of the world begins.”

One of the most striking examples of manipulation of ancient theology is the biblical story of the Garden of Eden. To better understand the significance of the motifs used to illustrate the fall of man, it must be pointed out that the serpent was one of the main symbols for the Ancient Goddess. “The snake and its abstract derivative, the spiral, are the dominant motifs of the art of Old Europe,” says Marija Gimbutas in her book, The Goddess and Gods of Old Europe.

The Garden of Eden represented the peaceful abundance of Old Europe, with the serpent symbolizing the Goddess who tempts Eve to disobey the new God and eat from the sacred tree of knowledge. “Like the tree of life, the tree of knowledge was also a symbol associated with the Goddess in earlier mythology,” declares Eisler. Blaming Eve and, by extension, all women for the failures of humanity was an expedient way to achieve political control. Her punishment for defying Jehovah by going directly to the source of knowledge would be eternal submission to this new, vengeful God and his earthly representative, man.

The Machine

For over 4,000 years, patriarchal religious-economic systems have exploited human, animal, vegetable and mineral resources, systematically converting nature’s energy into profit and power for few. This manmade machine has plundered the globe and shredded Mother Nature, turning “whales into dog food, ancient forest into toothpicks, and the oily black blood and metallic veins of the earth into nuclear missiles, beer cans and smog,” write Monica Sjöö and Barbara Mor in their book, The Great Cosmic Mother.

The global assembly line forever churns out consumer junk and poisoned foods drowned in chemicals, transporting “goods” back and forth across the world. The machine itself is now replacing humans, as robots and artificial intelligence gobble up jobs...pushing more people to the bottom of the heap. We have more than enough resources for every human on the planet to have food and shelter, and yet millions of children go hungry every day, even in America. As corporations and politicians conspire to hoard spiraling profits and power, the masses are beginning to revolt. Yet, ironically, they are putting their faith in the very masters of the machine.

Likewise, the past 4,000 years of patriarchal dominance have been characterized by war and economic exploitation. The global economy exists essentially as an economy of war, with virtually all national military budgets exceeding domestic expenditures. In 2015 the International Institute for Strategic Studies reported that the United States spent $597.5 billion on defense, which is almost 10 times the Russian budget of $65.6 billion, and four times more than China’s $145.8 billion. To further illustrate the absurdity of our budgetary tragedy, the chart below shows that defense accounts for more than half of ALL spending in the U.S. Meanwhile, the current Trump administration is asking for even more money, a 10% increase in defense spending, to feed the outrageous militarized apparatus of war.

Leaders use fear to terrify the masses into supporting their greed for money and control. Statistics plainly show the absurdity of this military shame. Women are more than 400 times more likely to die at the hands of their husband than from a terrorist; approximately 4,000 American women die each year from domestic violence, and fewer than 10 from a terrorist. For millenniums, men have patronized women and patted us on our heads, telling us not to worry—they would protect us. But in reality, they are the ones we should fear.

Whether we are getting ready to fight, fighting others or fighting among ourselves, it makes no difference anymore. We live in a perpetual state of war. As Sjöö and Mor describe, “All humanity today lives under one global god: the God of War, who is continuously empowered and enlarged by the religion of money.” The world’s male population has been funneled into armies, military technicians and researchers, thereby turning war into the major mode of male survival.

While women sustain agricultural and craftwork in many Third World nations—making up at least 80% of the light-assembly workforce in the global “Free Trade Zone,” elsewhere struggling to keep themselves and their children alive in the expanding refugee camps created by incessant war—males are often only able to obtain employment, food and shelter by joining the military, the national guard or other armed policing force, thereby perpetuating the War God machinery on all levels of belief, power and survival.

Men fear the day women refuse to participate in the continual cycle of greed and intimidation that has been inflicted upon them and their children for thousands of years. They would like to continue the charade that males can be free while females remain dominated and enslaved, just as white imperialists pretended to be soulful, good people while colonizing and brutalizing indigenous cultures. Only now, everyone is in one way or another enslaved and dominated by the machine. “The opposite of life is not death, but to become a mechanism,” write Sjöö and Mor.

The Future

Rather than annihilate the machine and denounce progress, it is up to us to discover how modern technologies can be used in a cooperative-communal system…not for the profit of a few, but for the benefit of all. We must reject the patriarchal suggestion that there are only two choices: man’s capitalism or man’s communism. There is another way: a partnership cooperative in which resources are shared and strengths are used to benefit everyone. Hard work and skill should be rewarded, but not at the expense of the vast majority of the population. Societies are made up of a collection of people who are intertwined. Opportunities must be honestly given regardless of race, gender or ethnicity, and nature must be valued at least as much as technology.

Instead of income redistribution, perhaps a better system would be resource distribution. We should evaluate how each individual can best contribute to society, whether it be in the form of money or time. If a person is not highly trained in a lucrative field, they still have valuable skills to contribute, perhaps in the form of maintaining a communal garden, building shelters or caring for children.

Instead of fixating on the past and all that has been lost, we must look to the future and what could be much better than anything ever known. Advances can be utilized to make life more enjoyable for all rather than stockpiled for the benefit of only a few as the masses are marginalized and displaced. Comprehensive retraining for people should be offered for those whose professions are diminished with advances in technology, robotics and A.I. Wide-ranging strategies developing new structures within our society should focus on partnership rather than division and dominance. Bill Gates recently introduced an interesting suggestion to tax robots the equivalent of a personal income tax to offset the loss of a job. Proceeds from such a tax could be used to retrain individuals and improve the quality of life for all.

We must seek creative solutions and find common ground to end the perpetual warring cycle, socioeconomic inequality and the systematic destruction of our planet. Our descendants cannot eat, drink or breathe bombs and bullets. We must protect what is sacred and value that which gives us life.

These ancient matriarchal civilizations show us a new view of cultural evolution. Male dominance, violence, war and totalitarianism are not inevitable, eternal truths. A more peaceful, egalitarian way of life structured around partnership rather than dominance is not just a utopian dream, but a sustainable possibility for the future of humanity. If we learn anything from these early partnership societies, let it be the possibility of using technological advances to primarily make life more enjoyable for all, rather than to hoard and destroy.

Millions of children need not be condemned to die of hunger every year while trillions of dollars are poured into ever more advanced ways to kill. It takes 40 weeks to create a human life, but only milliseconds to destroy one. Perhaps lasting peace in the human experience is one that combines the mystical wisdom of God and Mother Earth to amend the history of mankind with a new story of humankind.

Originally published in Gravitas Magazine

Thomas Jefferson penned the phrase “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness,” declaring them in the Declaration of Independence to be inalienable rights. He would no doubt fall over in his rocker if he glimpsed the insatiable appetite we have developed in our modern-day pursuit of happiness 240 years later. Our goals and aspirations bear little resemblance to those of Jefferson and his contemporaries. With our basic needs met long ago, even the most needy among us live better than anyone in his time, and yet as a society we are far from satisfied.

Over the years as advances in industry and technology increased productivity, we did not slow our pursuit—quite the opposite. We work more, sleep less, and have far more than ever. However, in a world defined by consumption, the price tag on happy continues to climb, thereby accelerating the treadmill of our pursuit.

Modern America didn’t just happen by accident. Politicians and corporations have been rebranding happiness since the 1920s. They feared Americans might stop buying the new goods they were so efficiently producing, and thus began the manipulation of our cultural idea of happiness into the Gospel of Consumerism. Corporations spend billions of dollars every year to convince us that more stuff will make us more desirable, successful and happy, while politicians preach that economic growth is the key to all that is good. Ironically, neither is true, and our insatiable pursuit of this celluloid happiness has us running in the opposite direction from the real things that truly bring joy to our lives.

Scientific researchers and spiritual leaders agree that the cornerstones of sustainable happiness do not come as a “buy one, get one free” special, nor can they be predicted by the Gross Domestic Product (GDP). We need loving relationships, safe and healthy communities, opportunities for meaningful work, and simple practices such as gratitude, helping others and meditation. The possessions we covet, and sacrifice to obtain, only bring us momentary joy. Eventually, all new things become old. Regardless how big our house or pricey our car, at some point, far sooner than anyone expects, they become just a house and a car. If we peg our happiness to such trinkets, we will never have enough satisfaction to fill us up for long. After all, when is enough, enough?

The Origins of America-Style Happiness

Consumption was not always the way of life in America. In the 1920s, business owners and politicians worried that we would stop buying new things once we satisfied our needs. They attributed the phenomenal rise of America to the growth in consumer goods. If people began to enjoy their daily lives more—thanks to all the new conveniences—they would spend less time buying new things, they feared. To solve the dilemma, Freudian psychologists partnered with advertising executives to develop a strategy to attach our universal desires for status, beauty, love and self-esteem to products.

President Hoover’s economic report, published just months before the 1929 crash, rejoiced in this phenomenon: “By advertising and other promotional devices…a measurable pull on production has been created which releases capital otherwise tied up. Economically we have a boundless field before us; that there are new wants which will make way endlessly for newer wants, as fast as they are satisfied.”

Between the 1930s and 1960s, Freudian psychologist Ernest Dichter became famous for his part in the transformation of businesses such as Procter & Gamble, Exxon, Chrysler, General Mills and DuPont. Fleeing Europe in 1931, Dichter recognized that in America, brands had become a substitute for nobility and family pedigree. He noticed that people would seek out products to fit in with a group they aspired to associate with, and that products could have meaning relating to sexual desire, affluence and self-esteem.

His theories radically changed the way products from cars to candy were sold in America. He developed new research techniques, including focus groups, and identified the power of word-of-mouth persuasion. Recognizing the need to counter the negative overtones associated with buying such self-indulgent products as tobacco, alcohol or candy, he encouraged marketers to sell the products as “rewards.”

Armed with Freudian psychology, airtime to fill, and endless products to sell, the modern advertising industry systematically set out to redefine our beliefs about happiness and how we could obtain a new shiny version every season. As Dichter said, “To some extent, the needs and wants of people have to be continuously stirred up.” It’s not good enough that everyone buys a car. The automakers need to sell new cars every year; they need a perpetual purchase cycle.

The Price Tag of Prosperity

American ideals of prosperity have driven the global freight train of production for the last century. The altruistic intention of some to distribute prosperity, and the unbridled greed of others, has shuffled production and currency around the globe. Although corporations and countries have prospered on paper, the fabric of society is coming apart at the seams in many places.

Chinese factory-worker suicides, blood diamonds in the Congo, and 47 million Americans on food stamps are but a few of the casualties of the new world order. Repercussions of globalization have crippled entire industries and desolated many towns, even regions, in the United States.

A poignant reminder of loss. Once a vibrant hub of manufacturing, this abandoned Detroit warehouse has become a makeshift homeless shelter.

On opposite sides of the podium, both Trump and Sanders were ferocious underdogs. Both candidates tapped the anger and frustration bubbling under the surface to ignite a new political fervor and bring to light topics rarely on the list of politicians’ talking points. Regardless of which party you support, those facts speak for themselves.

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Creating Sustainable Happiness

It appears that in America and many other parts of the world as well, we are at a cultural crossroads. Industry and technology have completely transformed society in the past century, and even greater fundamental shifts are expected with the rise of artificial intelligence and robotics. Global corporations have greater wealth and influence than many governments. And the ecological impact of our productivity revolution has been catastrophic. Surely it’s time to reassess our perception of happy. With such monumental looming problems on the table, many people understandably have the attitude, “what can I possibly do to change the world?” Perhaps a better question is, “what can I do to change MY world?”

Happiness Audit

The first step to a happier world is a happier you. It might surprise you to know that judging our own happiness is not so easy. Most people assume they are moderately happy, whether it is true or not. “We tell stories about the things we think should make us happy, but sometimes, when we look a bit closer, we’re not really that happy at all,” says Paul Dolan, a professor at the London School of Economics, a government policy advisor and one of the world’s leading happiness scholars.

After years of research, Dolan says people who are truly happy find joy in everyday experiences that give them pleasure and purpose. Once they have identified those things, they organize their day around them on a daily basis. The first step toward this goal is to do a happiness audit to find out what actually makes you happy. So much of our lives are spent on autopilot, it can be difficult to differentiate what is truly making you happy. “It’s about tuning in to what you are doing, who you are doing it with and how it makes you feel,” Dolan says. “How much worry, stress, anger, joy or contentment do you experience on a given day?”

Some things can be a quick fix, such as taking a walk in the afternoon to break up the workday, or playing podcasts during commute time, or even taking up an old hobby such as playing the piano or painting. Yet even when we identify the sources of our happiness, challenging issues may arise, such as realizing disappointment in a relationship or job. Life-altering changes, such as divorce or career change, are difficult to manage, but with patience, planning and honesty, new relationships and jobs can have a profound impact on the quality of your life. Transitional periods can be rough, but better to have a difficult season than an unfulfilling life.

While taking this happiness audit, it would be prudent to take a financial audit as well, to assess how much the “stuff” in your life (to cite comedian George Carlin) is enhancing your well-being or saddling you with debt and stress. Maybe that big house in the suburbs isn't worth the long commute and huge mortgage. Perhaps the little bungalow in town close to work and entertainment will make you happier. Some people might opt for a less expensive or older car and use the extra money to take a special vacation every year. By looking at your finances with an eye toward happiness, rather than through the green-colored glasses of consumerism, you may find that shifting some of your lifestyle priorities can buy you a lot more happiness.

Once you establish the activities that make you happy, schedule them into your daily life. Make the process of doing them as simple as possible. “There’s this belief that anything worth having has to be effortful, but really the opposite it true. Just make happiness as easy as possible,” says Dolan. If you enjoy an afternoon walk, schedule it on your work calendar. If you enjoy painting, set aside an area in your home where your paints and brushes can permanently reside. With proper structure and design, Dolan believes we can quickly make a habit of things that make us happy.

Focus on Today

Another helpful tip to acquiring more happiness is to focus on today. Long-term goals are important, but too often people sacrifice the moment for someday in the distant future. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, so don’t expend too much of your energy on far-reaching goals. Strive to make today great.

People often spend decades in marriages and careers that do not make them happy. They justify their misery with the idea that someday down the road when the children leave home they will make a change. Children typically grow up to emulate the patterns they see in their home. Parents who are at odds or barely speak are not setting a healthy example for their children to follow.

Build Moral Muscles

According to studies, compassion rather than self-interest is a more direct path to joy. Scientific studies have shown that the brain’s pleasure centers are activated when we are kind to others, much more than when we focus on personal goals. Our prewired desire to be compassionate and care for others leads to meaning, argues psychologist Dacher Keltner in Born to Be Good[WP1] . Copious research supports the role of moral behavior in generating happiness and meaning. There is, however, virtually no evidence that material gains or improved efficiency or productivity have the same benefit.

Any number of small gestures can add joy to each day, such as dropping change in the jar for the cashier, taking dinner to a sick friend, or letting someone pass in front of you in traffic. It doesn’t take monumental acts to be kind, but the rewards can be substantial.

Expect to Get What You Expect

It’s an uncanny truth that people who totally believe they are going to succeed usually do. Those that believe life is unfair repeatedly find themselves in unfortunate situations. Visualizing your way to happiness is not a new concept. Norman Vincent Peale, a minister and the author of the famous book, the Power of Positive Thinking sold tens of millions of books on the subject back in the 1930s. He preached that people inevitably get what they focus on. The mind is the most powerful tool we have to get the life we want.

Peale advises, “Formulate and stamp indelibly o your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold the picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture.”

Picture a life that makes you happy. Illustrate it in your mind, color in the details. Now write down every element of the life you desire from your work, to your family and friends, the house you live in, your hobbies and interests. Imagine what it feels like to live this life. Now, accept that you deserve it.

It’s harder than it sounds to hold this happy picture without allowing doubt to invade. Women are always our worst critic. We doubt our ability, put ourselves down and constantly remind ourselves of our shortcomings. We would never treat a friend; the way we do ourselves. Stop the endless self-deprecation! When your inner critic gets going, change the subject. Focus on the happy picture and where you are going, don’t allow self-doubt to pull you down- onward and upward!

Avoid “What If”

Focusing on the positive side of life rather than the negative can greatly affect the quality of your days. Many people spend far too much mental energy on the possible negative outcomes of situations. What if I lose my job? What if I don’t find the man of my dreams? What if I do find the man of my dreams but, he doesn’t love me? What if we all just take a break from the “what if” syndrome.

I have watched someone close to me spend countless hours worrying about the worst-case scenario of almost everything. He wastes enormous amounts of energy on these protracted stories he tells himself about the bad outcome that could possibly someday happen. Of course, rarely do any of these worst-case situations ever happen, but he has ruined so many perfectly good days stressing over these imaginary tales.

Bad times will certainly come to all of us. When less than desirable situations arise, don’t procrastinate, deal with it and then, move on. But, until the bad thing absolutely happens, don’t waste good energy chasing it.

“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” Leo Tolstoy

Choose Progress Over Perfection

Perfection doesn’t exist in the human experience. Improvement is a better goal, than perfect. Setting a high bar is commendable, but don’t disparage yourself if you fail to meet all of your benchmarks immediately. Sometimes people set lofty goals such as running a marathon to get in shape. Then when they fail to reach their goal they become discouraged and quit. Slow steady progress is the best way to reach any goal. If you have a minor or even major setback, remain patient and keep moving forward.

Enrich Your Relationships

Close ties to friends and family are the cornerstones of true happiness. Enrich the relationships in your life by giving those closest to you your undivided attention. Technology has given us a window into the world, but far too often we are isolated from the actual world, trapped in a screen. Some people spend the majority of their day communicating through a device. Facetime cannot replace real face to face time. It’s challenging just to get people to actually talk on the phone instead of text these days. Modern communication is denigrating into a few broken sentences, abbreviations and emoji’s.

Put down your phone, turn off your computer and the TV, talk to the people in your life. Plan a family game night during the week to reconnect with your kids or turn cooking into a group activity by preparing a meal together. If you have a family at home, make dinner time a priority. Use the time together to talk about happenings in your lives or current events. Ask everyone to bring a topic of interest to the table to discuss to liven up dinner conversation. Plan a special girl’s getaway with your friends, even if it’s just to a local spa for the day or a weekday dinner. Remind those close to you that they are important. Without question, nurturing the relationships in your life can bring you the greatest joy.

Community Action

Get involved- whether it’s local government, a church, charity, a meet up group or sports activity, there are numerous ways to get connected to your community. Find organizations and causes that speak to you. Making a difference can take on many forms. Volunteering at your local food bank or an at-risk children’s center can have enormous rewards and give your life a sense of purpose and belonging.

“If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.” Eldridge Cleaver

There are many ways both big and small that you can help change the world. Becoming active in your local government can be empowering. To date, more than a half-dozen states have either calculated their own GPI or its GPI was developed by an academic and/or non-profit organization: Maryland, Vermont, Washington, Hawaii, Ohio and Utah. These states recognize the importance of responsible growth and a good quality of life for their residents. Find out why Florida is not on the list and become a spoke in the wheel of change.

Jefferson wisely used the phrase “the pursuit of happiness”. None of us are guaranteed happiness, but we are fortunate to have the right to pursue it in America. It cannot be given; you must define it for yourself. It’s not a destination but, rather a moving target. A work in progress always changing as we grow and evolve. There is no race to win, the joy is in the journey.

Originally Published in Gravitas Magazine Summer 2016

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Published in Gravitas Magazine

There is a reason the Old Boys Club is alive and well, it works — really well. Let’s be honest, men mentor, sponsor and promote each other in a way women have yet to master. Granted the men have had forever—literally— to perfect their system, while women are fairly new to the professional game. Nevertheless, for us to truly level the playing field, women must recognize, acknowledge and move beyond our innate competitive nature, which is holding us all back.

There is no denying that, women are competitive with each other on a different level than men. To be fair, some of our competitive nature is coded into our DNA as a survival instinct. While most of us have evolved beyond the Paleolithic Days of relying on a strong man to provide for and protect our children and us, it is still a relatively new phenomenon that women even have the right to vote and inherit property, much less, enjoy the opportunity to work outside the home and craft a life on our own terms. Still, in many parts of the world, these simple freedoms are denied to women. Sadly, girls in some cultures are even refused an education. In one of the wealthiest nations in the world, women in Saudi Arabia cannot even drive a car!

Throughout history, men have preserved their control over their patriarchal system by undermining women’s attempts to organize and collaborate. Women’s suffrage meetings were regularly broken up by men who feared what would happen if women secured the right to vote. Women who became too powerful in the villages of early Colonial America were accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake. The atrocities continue today around the globe with stonings, rape, beheadings and even genital mutilation as men seek to keep women under their control. From a historical perspective, the strides women in America have made over the past 50 years are nothing short of revolutionary.

Like the French storming the Bastille, women have pushed their way up the ominous corporate ladder and wagered their survival to create empires from their kitchens. Women fought for equality and marched in the streets for rights that many girls today take for granted. More women are comfortably tucked in C suites than ever before and yet, there are so few women at the top, it is sobering.

Sheryl Sandberg, noting the lack of female colleagues at the board table, championed the fight, urging women to “Lean In” to their careers in the formative years. She encouraged us to stand up for ourselves, advocate for our promotions and strive for greatness. Her rallying cry incited a new passion for women of her generation that had become largely complacent to the new normal for women in business. She is in fact, one of my inspirations to create GRAVITAS, to give women an authentic voice in the sound bite, airbrushed, façade of success that pervades media today.

While women are comfortable waving the flag of liberation, most refrain from giving voice to the fact that all is not well in the Girls Club. As I prepared my research for this article, few women were even willing to go on record to acknowledge that we have a problem. While we all know the mean girls have grown up and some still troll the hallways of business in search of prey, few women want to discuss our gender centric competitive nature.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

It should be no surprise, in our filtered social media reality, that women retract from discussing the fact that cliques and catty comparisons still thrive far beyond puberty. Women are proving to be astute brand managers as they craft a life worth envy through their social media lens. This race to perfection is sadly making it more difficult than ever for some women to show the cracks in their real storyline.

Yet, regardless if we discuss it, women, who undeniably build stronger, more in-depth friendships with other women than men do with each other, do not translate that bond of sisterhood into our professional lives as successfully. The truth is, if we are ever going to break the glass ceiling once and for all, we must take responsibility for lifting each other up beyond our individual capacity and tear it down together.

THE QUEEN BEE

Many factors are holding us back, all not entirely of our own making, but we must take responsibility for some. In 1974, University of Michigan researchers Graham Staines, Toby Epstein Jayaratne and Carol Tavris published an article in Psychology Today coining the term the “Queen Bee Syndrome.” They presented their findings based on more than 20,000 survey responses from Psychology Today and Redbook. Their research illustrated a trend where women who achieved success in male-dominated office environments were often opposed to the rise of other women. Unfortunately, over 40 years later, Queen Bees are alive and well.

In todays over stimulated society, baby bees begin their training as early as grammar school. By middle school and high school, the Queen Bee Syndrome is born. Vicious bullying often spearheaded by one individual is the ugly result of adolescent teens vying for popularity and inclusion in cliques. While most women mature beyond this destructive behavior, some do not. As these young Queen Bees head into the workforce, they hone their skills of manipulation using them as tools to further their careers. As they succeed to positions of power rather than nurture young female talent, these Queen Bees become obsessed with maintaining their authority. By exploiting female vulnerabilities, they can effectively and viciously tear down a co-worker’s reputation and self-esteem with tactics men might not even notice. According to a 2011 study by the American Management Association, 95% of the 1,000 working women surveyed believed they were undermined by another woman at some point in their career.

Understandably, some women feel there is still only one seat at the board table available to a woman. By preventing the advancement of other women up the ranks, a Queen Bee can reduce the number of competitors, thereby easing her ascension up the career ladder.

Women who have overcome tremendous obstacles to achieve top ranking positions are not eager to lose their alpha female dominance. The qualities that propelled these women to the top are undoubtedly not their kind hearts and generous natures. It’s unfair to slap a double standard on these women by expecting them to mother young protégées, when it’s their killer instincts that secured their seat at the big table. However, it would be beneficial for all of us if the Queen Bees break the cycle. It doesn’t have to be as hard for the next generation of women leaders as it was for them.

Young women today are achieving success in greater numbers than ever before. Since the early 1990s, women began to outpace men in college degrees. In 2012 women earned 57% of all degrees conferred that year, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. Women also earned the majority of master’s degrees and doctoral degrees in the 2011-12 academic year: 60% of all master’s degrees, compared with 40% for men and 51% of PhDs being awarded to women compared to 49% of men.

While the current educational statistics are impressive, advancing to top ranking positions and securing equal pay still remain challenges for women. One step in improving those realities would be for Queen Bees to accept that inclusive and collaborative relationships with younger women could in fact improve the Queen Bee’s standing by showing her ability to evolve and stay relevant in a rapidly changing world. A hand of guidance today could also someday secure her survival down the road. It’s more important than ever for the female leaders of today to reach out to the next generation and pull them up.

MENTORSHIP

Companies today recognize the need to assist women and interconnect them better. The largest companies in the world are awash with mentoring programs aimed at women, to help the best and brightest ascend the ladder of success. Unfortunately, statistics show that mentoring benefits men much more than women. Part of the issue is the shallow pool of female leaders, as well as the actions, or lack thereof, taken by chosen mentors on behalf of their protégées.

One of the major challenges with mentorship is the lack of females in top senior level positions. In addition to the smaller numbers of female leaders, women that hold those coveted positions are often starved for time, even if they have the desire to pay it forward to younger colleagues. Between demanding work schedules and responsibilities at home, women on the top of the corporate chain blame lack of time as the main obstacle to mentorship.

Until female leaders prioritize mentoring as a necessity in their careers, this roadblock will persist. Men appear to negotiate this challenge with much more ease than women. Missing a family dinner, in lieu of a steak dinner with colleagues is not often an issue for men. They prioritize their relationships in business as an intricate element of job security and advancement. Making time for social interaction with colleagues is formally built into their schedule.

Another formidable problem with female mentors is the lack of sponsorship that is offered. There is a significant difference between mentoring and sponsoring, like the difference between talking and doing. While mentoring is generally more about guidance, sponsoring is more of an action. Studies show that the fundamental difference between the way women and men interact with their protégées is that men take a more active role in the advancement of their careers by advocating their protégées to other high-level executives, suggesting them for projects that would gain them higher visibility or even recommending directly for advanced positions. Women tend to offer guidance and opinions, but outright solicitation for another woman’s advancement is not so forthcoming.

NETWORKING VS RELATIONSHIP BUILDING

Many careers and deals are made nowhere near the office, but on the golf course, the fishing trip, the steak house, even at the strip club. The fact is that men integrate social situations into their careers much more effectively than women.

Recently at one of our epic GRAVITAS Dinner Parties hosted by Rococo’s Steakhouse in St. Petersburg, I invited five awesome ladies to join us for dinner. While enjoying our fabulous dinner, we laughed and connected with each other on a significant personal level, although we were all from a myriad of ages, backgrounds and industries. We discussed how each woman had debated whether she could set aside a Tuesday evening away from home to attend. One guest lamented that she had hesitated at first, feeling guilty about leaving her husband and children to fend for themselves. Meanwhile, in the adjacent three ballrooms were about 50 men having a grand time at their “business dinner.” We speculated on how long most of them considered the extra burden they would be putting on their wives by skipping family time. We agreed that most probably never gave it the slightest consideration.

Recognizing the need to expand their influence women often seek out opportunities to network. Charity luncheons, meetups and business groups offer a plethora of occasions to meet prospective clients or important colleagues. The challenge with many of those events is that women still look at it as business. They go with an objective to get as many business cards as possible or to shake hands with valuable contacts. We tend to have that “I’m on a mission” mentality. While that tactic can work to a degree, what is lacking is relationship building. Rather than gather a dozen cards, it will be more beneficial to have a real conversation with one person. Invite her to lunch. Spend an hour truly getting to know her.

Jessica Rivelli, founder of Working Women of Tampa Bay, “Networking is a two-way street. Building meaningful professional relationships is a constant process of giving and receiving. It’s a pay-it-forward philosophy that requires time and effort. If you want to make true connections, it’s never just about getting what you want. It’s about making sure you provide value to others, so they achieve their goals and dreams.”

When women nurture and promote each other in business the way we do in our personal lives with our girlfriends, the world will change. Through business and government, we will be a FORCE to be reckoned with— and men know it. Some men dismiss women as inferior or unstable but, deep down they know the power behind the maternal spirit.

Women are undeniably the architects of the family. When we learn to translate the independent skills, we utilize to build families and communities, that will be the day we level the playing field ourselves. When we need something, we need to think like a man asking ourselves, “Do I know a woman that does that?” When we master that line of thinking —the NEW Girls Club will give the Old Boys a run for their money.

Learning to connect on a professional level has far reaching implications more crucial than adding a few more girls on the executive roster. Personally, I believe the only way to fundamentally change the world is through women. When we reach beyond race, religion and culture to unite, that is when we will truly see change on a global scale.

If we could all for just a moment imagine a woman when we first meet her, as a little girl on the playground— her pigtails flapping around her tiny head and a wide beaming smile inviting you to share a twirl around the merry-go-round. Imagine her as your best friend, your sister, your daughter, your mother.

“We need to reshape our own perception of how we view ourselves. We have tostep up as women and take the lead.” —Beyoncé

Originally published in Gravitas Magazine Summer 2015